Neurotypicals and the benefit of doubt

Dear neurotypical people,

For a long time I have tried giving you the benefit of the doubt. When some of my fellow robots had already given up on you, I still defended you all by saying “they just don’t know, man.” But I was wrong. Neurotypical people simply are simply not willing to help autistic people to communicate with them. That’s all on you, and I am no longer defending you for it.

Fellow autistic robots, tell me if this scenario is familiar to you. You are just living your best life and you observed something, and in a moment of delusion you think you should share your observation or give your opinion. It’s what the NT in the room would do. And they keep telling you that you’re “always quiet”. So you speak up, but to your shock people and gasp for air. You said the wrong thing and now the NT’s are offended.

If you’re a NT reading this, please know that we autistic people are smart people. Unlike what the normies think we aren’t empathy-ridden cold living rocks. We are self aware of our flaws and we know that we make communication mistakes (or at least y’all see it that way). Sometimes a thing that sounds right in our heads lands wrong when we verbalize them. Things get lost in translation. We have learned to accept this happens even though we don’t like it and often disagree that things could be read in the offensive way the normies interpreted it. But okay, it happened. We are willing to admit that.

What happens next, however, is the reason why we don’t like talking to a majority of neurotypicals that we don’t know that well, offline or online.

“You know what you said”

The autistic person isn’t happy with the outcome. Contrary to popular opinion they do care how they make people feel. The normie perception of us that we are rude all the time and don’t care, is simply wrong. But the damage is done, so we are trying to figure out what exactly we said wrong so we can avoid making the same mistake the next time.  We want to learn and adapt, like a self-programming AI.

My fellow robots, you already know what happens next. But we’ll break it down for the NT’s in the back of the room.

The autistic person is hoping for an explanation so they can learn and adapt. They’re like an AI, constantly trying to reprogram itself to function better. And the only way to do that is by asking for more information. So they do ask, hoping for an answer, but instead they’re told that

“You know what you did wrong!”

Dear offended person, autistic people hate confrontation. Claiming they did it on purpose is childish at best. If they really knew they wouldn’t be asking questions – something many of us have grown a dislike for due to our collective experiences.

There is no “dishonest trolling” or “playing coy” going on. Only a minority of us has the bandwidth to play those games.

Another favorite is not explaining shit, and just repeating what everyone already knew.

“What you said was offensive !”

Thanks for nothing, genius. Your statement is too. We aren’t dumb, we could already tell that you were offended. We’d established that and are now at a point where we want to avoid that in the future. We want to learn, grow and adapt. There really are no alterior motives.

But the neurotypical person will typically refuse to elaborate further, mumbling something about “your own responsibility”, implying there’s a Google search like “Why was Karen McGucci offended yesterday when I said the one thing confused” or “how not to offend neurotypicals Karen talking about (topic”. Believe me, if that tool existed we’d be using it instead of interacting with what is probably the worst source of information for an autistic person.

“Nobody owns you an explanation” is the neurotypical 500 error. “I know these things but I refuse to tell you for reasons that I can’t display due to an error setting in my communication pattern.”

Neurotypical people refused to give us the benefit of the doubt. The NT lives in a world where they can’t understand someone could genuinely desire to adapt. They immediately have to jump to emotions, shortcut their brains, then tell us “Don’t feel emotion X, Y or Z!”. A little weird of them, but okay.

What is happening here is that they are projecting NT toxic treats of people that they might have bad experiences with on the autistic person, not considering that the autistic person has a completely different life experience and world view and “really wants to know”. Maybe they’ll tell off the autistic person for asking, though. They love ending the conversation by making the other party look like the bad guy.

Hell yes, we’re hostile

What follows for the robot is frustration. They didn’t want to offend anyone yet it happened. They are trying to understand why it happened but neurotypical people refuse to explain, “they just did”.

As a result, autistic people might voice that frustration. They are aware that the normie won’t like that either, but at that point they don’t really care anymore and are tired of dealing with neurotypical idiosyncrasies. The energy to mask simply isn’t there anymore and they rage quit the conversation.

Here’s where a deep flaw in the neurotypicals programming comes into play. Their brain appears to be uncapable of separating this event where the autistic person gives up and force quits the communication line from the event where the autistic person genuinely wasn’t trying to be rude or offensive. Their mental math then goes something like this

• 0 rudeness in initial event
• 1 rudeness when they’re tired of NT BS.

0 + 1 = 2 => Autistic people are always rude, didn’t you just see them react? The robot has been rude all along, they were right. What a glorious day for them.

So the robot person is understandable upset now. They did their best to learn, reach out and correct themselves and the only thing that they learned is that NT people can’t be trusted. They could have taken a shortcut by listening to other autistic people but we all like to give them the benefit of the doubt until some breaking point. As a result, communication lines collapse and the robot will come to the conclusion that talking to a neurotypical audience simply can’t be done.

Neurotypical people love to ask autistic people “why are you always so quiet”. You don’t realize it, but you ask us all the time. Truth be told, it’s because we don’t want to talk to you unless we have to.

The risk of communicating with you doesn’t outweigh the potential rewards. We are always willing to give the benefit of the doubt to individuals, but as a group? We’ve all collectively learned that you can’t be trusted. You don’t see us as equals and your inability to explain why something upsets you – something us autistic people are good at because we need that skill to survive – makes it hard to communicate with you. At some point, it will no longer be worth it for us to engage with you and the autistic person will retract to a safe space. This could be anything from a diary, online forums or Mastodon servers, or even Reddit. If we can’t speak safely amongst the general population, we will find a way.

Before you shrug your shoulders and think “your loss”… it’s really not. By shutting autistic people down you are giving up on some of the smartest, most creative people that exist. Simply because you’re not willing to help them get their message across. Because you chose to be offended and just yell “I am offended” instead of saying “When you say X, people will feel Y.” You didn’t have to give a long lecture. You just had to be clear and concise about what went wrong.

That’s also my tip for normies that do want to keep communication lines open. Give autistic people the benefit of the doubt. Explain why something could land poorly. Communicating these things clearly is a skill, and I understand that many neurotypicals haven’t developed that skill. We’ve been giving you the benefit of the doubt, but your credit with autistic people will expire eventually – if it hasn’t already happened.

Autism is a disability, whether we like it or not

Last week, I read a quote from an autistic person that made me realize that “high functioning privilege” exists. This person, writing one of those empty and meaningless posts that Twitter is known for, claimed that “Autism isn’t a disability”. While I understand that this sentiment is coming from, it’s also not based on facts and a sign that some people with autism need to get a better grasp on reality. Yes, I just said that some of them have “high functioning” privilege”. And I mean that.

You will often see that people on the spectrum who are more functional bombard social media by sharing things like “people with autism are capable!” and “Autism is not a disability!”. Unfortunately, only one of these two statements is true. While a lot of people with autism are capable of things that some people might consider to be off-limits and can live great lives, the very fact that this might come as a surprise to people on the outside is the result of a different reality than “autism not being a disability.”

Many people with autism are capable of living rich lives. You won’t be seeing me deny that. However, the problem is that they are only looking at themselves and their own autistic experience. They are, in a way, not aware of the privilege they have because of how their autism affects their functioning and the way it allows them to function as a person in this society.

Medically speaking, autism is very much a disability. It’s defined as a neurological developmental disability (Source: cdc.gov). The symptoms and the way the development is halted can vary wildly from person to person. But the same can also be said for other disabilities. Physical disabilities might have a different impact on different persons. As a result, some people who share the same disability with other people might be capable of doing other things that the same person with the same disability might only dream of. What would our response be if the person with the disability who is able to function better said “Hey, you know what, I can manage just fine, so my condition isn’t a disability!”. We would probably think they’re being insensitive towards the other people in their peer group. And that’s exactly what is going on with people with autism who claim autism isn’t a “disability”, even though the medical world defined it as one.

One popular “explanation” is that we “just think different”. Some people like to pair a sense of supremacy to that, as if their “way of thinking” is vastly superior to that of neurotypical people. These are often the very same people who will then go on to post about the things that make their life difficult and blame other people for it – society is wrong for not being like them or bending to their whims. But I disgres.

My point is that a lot of people with autism disclaim medical facts based on their feelings. For a big part, this way of thinking is fueled by the toxic autistic culture where a group think was developed where, somehow, the rest of the world is in the wrong for not being autistic.

I could argue about the autistic tendency to put their disability on a pedestal and the weird culture that they have developed, but that is not the point of this post.

No matter how the more functioning people with autism feel or how they spread their propaganda on social media, the matter of the fact is that it can easily be proven that autism is a disability. For that we only have to look at the effects that autism has on them as individuals.

While some people with autism can live “rich lives” and have a career, the matter of the fact is that most people with autism can’t. More than 75% of people with autism aren’t employed because they aren’t capable of holding a job or aren’t able to function in a job role. This remains true even in an economy where employers are looking for people to fill the void in their staff.

Why is that? Because people with autism have a difficult time functioning in a job. This is true across the spectrum. Women with a high functioning form of autism appear to be the least impacted by their autism diagnosis. However, they fail to realize that this is universally true as this group is the most successful across their peers in many of the fields because their autism often manifests in less obvious or even detrimental forms. It’s also this group that takes to social media the most, claiming that “autism isn’t a disability” and that they’re fully capable of doing a job.

Unfortunately, their experience isn’t the universal truth for people with autism. I could go into explaining what the problems are that people with autism experience when they are trying to work, but it would be a long list and a long article. And there are no universal truths. But the fact remains that a lot of people with autism struggle in the work place. To fight this, people with autism require accommodations which might vary from a silent place to work, communication in specific ways or on the job coaching to excel. Even if they excel at most of their job, they might find that their career is halted because they lack interpersonal skills and soft skills that might be required to truly move beyond the status of “powerful keyboard wizard in his tower who you probably shouldn’t talk to.”

The fact that we require accommodations to perform well in our job, underlines the fact that autism is a disability. There isn’t a single good argument that I can think of to counter this statement, and believe me, I tried.

People with autism who can worry about things such as “being able to work” or “having difficulties at work” are already a part of a privileged group of people, because a big group of people with autism wouldn’t even dream of holding a group. What these high functioning people are forgetting is that there is a non-inconsequential group of people for whom a job, even with accommodations, would be impossible because of the amount of help that they need to function as a person.

Many people with autism need constant help from their parents or other care coordinators and will often require that help for the rest of their lives. Certain people with autism are put into group homes, where they will spend the rest of their lives as they’re being assisted to be able to live relatively high quality lives – not to mention the individuals with autism who are on the severe end of the spectrum for whom functioning in a group home might even be out of reach.

The matter of the fact is that there are a lot of people on the autism spectrum that are experiencing more effects from their disability than those on the high functioning help, and that they depend on a system of support and people to achieve a certain quality of life. Nobody is denying that a group of people with autism is capable of leaving full and interesting lives on their own. However, claiming that autism isn’t a disability is a blanket statement that ignores the people with autism who are having a vastly different experience where their diagnosis requires people to design a system around them that they need to depend on for the rest of their lives.

People on the high end of the spectrum who make blanket statements should be aware that they are doing the very thing they accuse neurotypicals of – they are projecting their experience and life view on other people, in this case the autistic people who are being dealt a different card than themselves. Their denial of a simple truth, that autism is a neurological development disorder that can have a severe impact on the lives on individuals, is also a gut punch to some of the people like parents and aids that are working tirelessly, day in and out, to provide a certain quality of work for the people they are helping. Their job is difficult because autism is a disability that demands a lot of their time and energy to navigate; because it has a measurable impact on the lives of their children or patient. They would strongly disagree with you if you said that autism wasn’t a disability, and they would be right.

While I understand that these hot air balloon of quotes are a result of people wanting to give themselves a place in this society and to show social media that they’re capable of people, these quotes are just as toxic for autistic people as some of the things that we don’t like the neurotypical people to say. The claim that autism isn’t a disability while many people certainly are experiencing things differently, is a dumb hot take that is a result of autistic online group think.

I can partially sympathize with people making this claim. When you are on the high functioning end, you have concerns that our other autistic brothers don’t have. You feel a desire to be seen as “normal” and “full.” However, we have to understand a key difference between being seen as “full” and “normal” and denying that a disability is a disability.

Nobody would argue that a person who has a different kind of disability is “normal” and can live a full life. Whether someone is blind, deaf or has a physical problem shouldn’t matter in how we treat them as a person. Everyone is of equal value and should be seen as full. However, the matter of the fact is that some people require a different set of tools to achieve the same result as other people and there is nothing wrong with that. Imagine telling people in a wheel chair that they don’t have a disability because they’re able to use the wheel chair to navigate around life. Do you think that person would agree? Don’t you think that, if given the option, that person would prefer “not needing the wheelchair” even though they are capable of living awesome lives?

But I suspect that that’s a part of the problem, because people with autism don’t like to accept the fact that they need help. They honestly believe they are just “thinking differently” or “experiencing the world differently.” The same can be said for people with other disabilities. They are also experiencing the world differently, and the reason  for that is because they have a disability that makes certain things more challenging for them, just like the autism does for the person on the spectrum. The key different is that you don’t see them arguing that they don’t have a disability just because they’re capable of great things. That would be nonsense and a complete disregard of their own reality. Somehow, people with autism have convinced themselves that their experience is “superior”, however, despite the accommodations or life hacks they need to apply to their lives. It would be like person in a wheel chair claiming that their way of life is “superior” while pretending that they don’t use the wheel chair to navigate everywhere.

I am well aware that this post isn’t going to convince anyone. People with autism have their way of thinking set in stone. If they’ve decided that their neurological development disability isn’t a disability, there’s no convincing otherwise – although I’d argue that the sooner they accept the reality the better. It is just frustrating to hear these claims from a group of people that are experiencing difficulties in life because of their disability but who don’t want to face the fact hat this neurological disadvantage isn’t just a “happy, fun, different way of living live”. Not for them, and definitely not for the many people with the same diagnosis who are living different lives because their version of autism requires a ton of help and a tribe of people to support them so they can achieve a certain life quality that wouldn’t be possible otherwise.

If you want to claim autism isn’t a disability, you can. Just know that your high functioning privilege is showing and that you’re doing the very same thing you’re accusing neurotypical people off – you’re dismissing the experiences of many people with autism because your life experience might be slightly different.

College Nightmares

I am standing somewhere on the grounds and I am feeling anxious. Realising that I don’t have a clue what class room to be in for next class, I know …

I lost my job and it hurts.

As you might know, routine is super important for people with autism. Take that away for them, and they will start to struggle. Is that true, even when the routine isn’t all that pleasant? I thought that the answer to that would be a sound “no”, but I was proven wrong earlier this year.

Photo by monicore on Pexels.com

I have been “let go” for my job which I held for over a decade. I didn’t particularly like the job, but it was a part of my identity and routine for a long, long time. The way things were “mishandled” led to a lot of stress, and to moments of anger. I was happy when things were finally “in order”. So I could finally leave that place behind. I’d show them how wrong there were. I would show everyone what I was made off.

Then reality kicked in. Once the energy boost wore off, I started to get sad about my situation. Being unemployed isn’t fun. It shattered my self-esteem and value of self-worth. I have started questioning if I’ll ever find another job again.

The passing of time becomes weird. Days seem to pass fast because they’re void of meaning. Anxiety is reigning because there is no routine, no responsibility to hold it’s leashes. I can fall back on unemployment, but my anxiety about finances is at an all time high.

I feel that I have become an angrier person again. More easily frustrated at things that aren’t even important in the slightest. More impatient, and less willing to invest my time in anything.

This is going to sound incredibly stupid, but I’m feeling more autistic again. It’s as if the progress I made is slowly decaying now that I have no real routine to fall back on.

It is dumb to let your job or the lack thereof define yourself. But that is exactly what I am doing. Unemployment is having an impact on my well being, to the point where I am questioning if I weren’t better off at the shitty previous job.

But I need to find a way to move on. To move forward, because I still need to work for many years. It’s what society expects of me, isn’t it?

Summertime Sadness

Is there a season more popular than summer? People dedicate songs to it, or count in the number of summers that have past since yesteryear. Of course, people generate a lot of fond memories of summers where they were kids and had little responsibilities and a lot of time to do interesting things.

Photo by Tofros.com on Pexels.com

Once I graduated, summer started to lose it’s charm for me. As an adult, I realized me and the sun aren’t best of buddies. Add to that some anxiety about developing skin cancer, and I am not the biggest fan of summer.

Still, there are things to enjoy about the warmest season. Summerdresses, having a drink on a terrace late in the evening, longer days.

But I’m not writing this post to reflect on the things I enjoy about summer. The title already gave that away. Summer can also make me feel sad, because of the things that could be but that are out of my reach. Because of autism, because of anxiety. Because of a lack of friends to do things with.

When I was younger and unaware of my autism I dreamt of going on holidays with friends. The idea already scared me back then, I just didn’t know why. But it also excited me. Now, it’s simply not an option. You’d need to have friends to go on vacations with, to begin with. Which I don’t, so when people are making holiday plans that reminds me that my only option for the summer will be to join my parents on whatever trip they are going on. Trips I usually spend in the house / caravan because I don’t want to impose myself on them, and they are older people. They like going on hikes, lots of hikes. They might want to spend the day at the pool, in the sun.

You already know how I feel about the sun.

I’m not saying those vactions aren’t fun, but the idea that I could have been going on vacation with friends stings.

Photo by Adrian Gabriel on Pexels.com

It’s not just vacations that make me sad. There’s also the one-day trips I am missing out on. The first thing that comes to my mind is going to theme parks. It used to be something I dreaded because I was afraid of most of the rides. Anything that left the ground was a no-no for me, except some wimpy roller coasters. Now, I am excited at the idea of going to a theme park.

There’s only one problem. I am a man in his thirties, who doesn’t have any friends who go to theme parks. I usually also don’t get invited for group visits, because those things are usually centered around kids. Which I’m not, of course. Once again, my only option is to visit one with my parents. Which isn’t something I really want to do, because I don’t want to empose it on them. Yes, sure, they say they don’t mind, but it feels like you are being a burden.

Could I go to those theme parks alone? In theory, yes. Will it ever happen, and is it a practical thing I am capable of? No.

Me going to a theme park alone, would be a recipe for disaster. Let’s say I got there just fine, which isn’t that much of a stretch. Once I arrived I wouldn’t be able to choose a ride to go on. The crods would stress me out. Waiting in line would be horrifying as it would feel super awkward. It’s like going to the movies alone: I could do it, but it’s just not going to happen – although going to the movies alone is something I am pretty close to doing. Just… show up on time and pick a place, y’know.

Those aren’t the only activities I am missing out on. I rarely actually have a drink on a terrace. It’s not something I want to do alone and I don’t get invited by people to do so. People don’t ask me to attend sporty events, because single dudes fall in the group of people everyone forgets about.

I guess that just leaves me with the summer dresses. I should clarify that I am not the one wearing them. Women would be wearing them. Here’s the problem with sun dresses, though: You have to leave the house to get to see ’em and the summer doesn’t give me a lot of reasons to do that.

Visiting the dentist, a perfect storm of anxiety-inducing factors.

I have got to visit the dentist today. Or an endodentist. One of those specialists that can do things regular dentists can’t. Something with a root channel. The cause is a rather big cavity in one of my molars. Which, in turn is caused by myself.

I don’t take care of my teeth properly. Or any other part of me, I suppose. I manage to shave and clean, but that’s as far as my efforts usually go. If I were living alone I would adopt the hobo look and feel in a heart beat.

Why? “Don’t you care about yourself?” Well, not really. It often feels like the physical body I have, doesn’t feel like “me.” I mean, I know it is. I’m not some spirit piloting a mech of skin and bones. I know what I see on the outside is also part of me.

But I feel a sort of disconnect to it, and a lack of interest in taking care of myself. Does that make sense? It’s like I care more about what goes on in my head. Which isn’t too stellar either, but that’s besides the point.

Anyhow, because of this I am visiting that special dentist guy today. And it is the perfect form of anxiety triggers for me, which kept me awake all night. Let me try and sum them up, in no particular order.

First of all, I need to visit a dentist I have never been to. That means I will be dealing with a new person I never met before. And there won’t be anyone to introduce me to him. It’ll just be my awkward self.

Second of all, I will need to find out the rules for this dentist place. Where is it located? What door do I need to enter. Where do I sit to wait? Do I introduce myself to the secretary? So many things to worry about, once I get there.

Third of all, the procedure. I heard that it takes at least 45 minutes, and that it’s a complicated ordeal. And I already don’t like dentist visits, because they are so uncomfortable.

You have to sit there in an awkward position. I have to try and keep my mouth open, which is smaller than you’d expect. No, really, I have a small mouth. So small that not even my adult teeth fit in it. My teeth are still a mess after braces as a result.

On top of that you get to be physically close with a stranger. It’s like he’s in your face the entire time. I’m hilarious, I know. Then there’s all the activity going on in your mouth. The devices they’re storing in there. And trying not to think of choking on my spit or the urge to swallow things. Honestly, the drilling and the needle are the least of my concerns. I don’t particularly care about that part of the treatment.

Number four (I think?) is the social awkwardness. Other than the fact that I’ll be awkward as fuck, I feel like I will be terribly judged by the dentist. That he will think that I am a horrible human being for letting that happen to my tooth. I know this one is ridiculous because they are too busy to care about one specific client. And he’s a specialist. He’s literally in the business of taking care of problems like my own. If I didn’t have this problem we would not even be meeting in the first place. But I’ll still be judged.

Then there’s the route to the dentist. I have been in the vicinity of his office a lot. Never been to his office, but that is nothing Google Maps can’t fix. And yet I felt the need to look up the route and the time it would take me to get there. I am also picking up my mother along the way. Real mature, I know. I won’t be taking her inside the actual office, but I want her to tag along for the ride so she can help me find a parking spot. After that she can head to the nearby city center and drink a coffee or as many coffees as time permits while I am being tortured by the dentist.

After all of that is over, I will need to pay. How will that happen. Does he accept cards? I only have €20 in my pocket and I am not going to withdraw more because I don’t even know how much it’s going to cost. And how much *is* it going to cost? I will probably be able to get a good chunk of the costs back from my insurer / the government (yay, socialism) but seeing the money dissapear from my bank account will trigger a new round of financial anxiety. Because yes, that’s a thing for me. I am deeply concerned by all things financial, not just for me but for my immediate family members. So having to pay 200-300 because I never took care of my teeth will be a blow.

Epilogue

By the time I am publishing this post, I have already visited the dentist. Finding his practice was rather easy, and although a dentist visit will never be a pleasant endeavour it went well. He also let me pay by card *and* I already ran to the insurance office to get paid back.

The dentist was an older man, and although he didn’t say much he was kind. Before I arrived my mother got a phone call from a friend, who thought it was a good idea to tell me that he was “really rough”. Great. Thanks. Really encouraging. I didn’t really experience it that way. Maybe it’s because I don’t particularly care once I am number in my mouth. Let the man do what he’s got to do, right?

All in all it went better than my anxiety predicted. On the downside, I will need to visit hom again. But at least I know what to expect next time around.

Confession: I don’t watch (or like) ASMR video’s that introduce boyfriends.

I don’t know where else to share this mini-confession, so my very own blog will do.

I watch ASMR videos, because they help me relaxe and deal with anxiety issues. They don’t fix them, but they take off the edge as they help me fall asleep.

When watching ASMR video’s, I prefer watching female creators. I’m not going to lie: Part of the reason is because they’re attractive or cute. It’s like, 20% of the reason. However, I also prefer female voices and female body language in general. Video’s made by women just make for a more relaxing experience, in general. Currently, my favorite creator is an Asian-Canadian women. She doesn’t even show her face, and that’s perfectly fine!

My current favorite ASMR video

I don’t have “crushes” on any of these creators. I don’t care for the “sexy” ASMR in the slightest. I don’t “creep” on their Instagram.

And yet I can’t stand video’s where they involve their boyfriend. If that sounds weirdly pathetic, let me explain. After all, that’s why I wrote this blog post.

I am not bothered with the fact that they are in a relationship. Occassionally I notice I do have a “She is taken? Shit…” reaction, but that feeling dies immediately as the rational part of me berates me: “No shit, she does. Does it really matter?”

What bothers me about these videos is because it introduces something I want to “escape” from into the media I try to use to escape from “reality”. I am a lonely person, and I am trying to cope with that and the fact that it’ll be extremely hard for me to find a companion, if I ever find one.

And I can deal with that, most of the time. But when I’m watching an ASMR video I don’t want that “reminder” that I’m very much single. Watching a video like that just feels like a painful reminder of why I’m watching the ASMR video. It creates this negative loop, you know?

This might be weird, I know. However, I don’t see the point in subjugating myself to such a video when there are so many alternatives.

 

/r/aspergers is a toxic place

Whenever I visit the Aspergers subreddit, I can’t help but notice what a toxic place it is. It’s become a echo chamber of people with Aspergers that have developed a “us versus them” mentality, whom are refusing to make an effort to become a better version of themselves. Their feedback loop feeds the idea that you’ll get by just “being yourself”, ignoring what is socially desirable or even needed to go places in life.

I am well aware that we struggle with unique obstacles and problems. I’m well aware that there are things I will never be comfortable with, or never will get good at. But I refuse to develop a “Well, this is who I am” mentality.

It’s hard for me to describe exactly what my problem with the place is. It is just a toxic place in general, with people who prefer “Me too!” stories and whom refuse outside perspective, creating a hive mind mentality which will only hinder anyone who buys into their way of thinking.

/rant

Clutter Anxiety

Yesterday, I got home from what had been a long (and very hot) day. When I got there, I saw that my package had arrived. I’d bought a new fountain pen and some inks. The holiday of your choice arrived early!

I took the box upstairs after showing off my latest purchase, and put it on my desk. And then, while standing there, it crept up on me. One of those anxiety triggers that’s hard to explain kicked in.

I’m not a very organized person. I don’t really have the room to be, and I never feel the “urge”, either. I should have organized my DVD collection to create rooms for my game a few months ago. There’s probably some stuff I should have thrown out of my room because I’m not using them. My stuff is “organized” in my mind only.

Bottom line, on your average day I don’t live in a very “decluttered” room. Partially because I don’t want to throw anything away.

And yet, suddenly, I got overly aware of the state of my room and my “clutter” anxiety kicked in. I looked around and stood amidst chaos. The more I kept looking, the more intimidating it became. As it was getting late, I decided to just go to bed and leave the box on my desk. A problem for another day.

Walking away from that particular occasion or environment didn’t shut up the anxiety. This morning I arrived at work, and the anxiety welcomed me, with a cup of coffee in it’s hand.”

“What’s up?” it said. “Hey, will you look at that desk of yours. Those cables are something else, aren’t they?”

Anxiety wasn’t wrong. The cables on my desk became a huge eyesore. Why did my mouse and keyboard have to have a cable, and why were they the worst things in existance? I looked around and everything I saw annoyed me – because my desk isn’t the cleanest either. Again, I can’t throw anything out, and there’s plenty of things on my desk which I’ll never get to using.

Anxiety changes your perception

That’s the only logical explanation I have. Those cables were there yesterday, and the days before. They’ve always been there, just like the rest of the stuff on my work desk. The same applies to my room at home. Those items have always been there. Most of the time I don’t even notice they are there. Or, I might acknowledge that my room might look better if I got rid of some stuff, but it doesn’t really freak me out that there’s a shelf with bits, bobs and boxes above my head.

But when the anxiety triggers, all of that changes. It all becomes a big deal which you can’t look past. It’s odd how anxiety “works” like that, isn’t it? It can amplify small problems and become a gravity well that tries to suck up all your attention and energy.

I just wanted to share this story, because that means I can stare at my screen for five minutes instead of having to look around me. Okay, that’s half a joke and half true. Writing this post is a welcome attraction. After all, staying busy and redirecting your energy to things other than the thing that give you anxiety is a healthy thing to do.

Take care,

S.

Tale of an in-house holiday and being bad at being alone

Last week, my parents were deciding amongst the two of them whether they were going to use an extended weekend to do some vacationing. While they are in their fifties they love hiking, but walking down the same old beaten path is kind of boring to them.

So they agreed to go on a holiday basically the day before taking off. Younger me would have freaked out because of this unexpected change of events. Current me thought “Yes! I’ll have the house to myself for four days.”

I, too, got to enjoy an extended weekend for four days. It sounds so glorious when you think about it. Four days in which you can do whatever you want without responsibilities. You can do virtually whatever you want!

I should add that despite still living with my parents, I’m very much an adult and they give me plenty of liberty to do as I want. Since, you know, I’m an adult (for the most part).

That’s the theory, anyway.

Excitement quickly faded when reality kicked in. Since there was nobody there to “check on me”, all the ‘structure’ I had collapsed like a shaky card house.

Things were still fairly normal on Thursday. It was the day my parents left, so had sort of a “fixed” start. It was also my “workout day” and the day I’d visit a family members. So that day was pretty defined, and I more or less kept with the program. I had “real” breakfast, some sort of lunch… and had places to go.

None of that was true for Friday. All appearances of me being a responsible adult where thrown out of the window. I had chips for breakfast with “sandwiches”, then had some sort of snack for lunch…

I ate like crap for the next three days. But this isn’t just a rant about my bad eating habits.

There was also no structure. I couldn’t plan my day if I wanted to. Before, I had a lot of ideas of things I could do during the time off and I did none of them. All I did was play Xbox, watch Netflix and Amazon Prime and do a whole lot of nothing.

It felt like part of me just wanted to kill time until the three days were over. As if it wasn’t really as fun as I thought it would be.

And perhaps it wasn’t. I don’t know how to explain it, but complete liberty to me seems to have a negative effect on actually enjoying the “fun” things I am doing. What also came into play was that I started to feel pretty alone even on day two. In an attempt to surpress that feeling – because what was I going to do, call the friends I don’t have – I kept doing those “time killing” things.

As a result the past three days are pretty much a blur. I more or less remember what happened but if you’d ask me into detail? Not much of a chance of recollecting anything.

I think this supports the idea I’ve always had about myself. While I don’t need to be around people to have fun, I struggle greatly when I’m completely alone, if that makes sense. Walking downstairs after a game session and seeing nobody is there and knowing that nobody will show up just messes with my mood big time.

It makes me worry for my future (mental health), because I don’t want to end up in an institution and having room mates seems troublesome. But living completely on my own doesn’t seem to be the answer either. It’s another one of those “All answers are wrong, and you are screwed either way” scenarios.

How about you? How do you deal with being on your own? Do you ever get lonely? Let me know in the comments.