Last week, my parents were deciding amongst the two of them whether they were going to use an extended weekend to do some vacationing. While they are in their fifties they love hiking, but walking down the same old beaten path is kind of boring to them.
So they agreed to go on a holiday basically the day before taking off. Younger me would have freaked out because of this unexpected change of events. Current me thought “Yes! I’ll have the house to myself for four days.”
I, too, got to enjoy an extended weekend for four days. It sounds so glorious when you think about it. Four days in which you can do whatever you want without responsibilities. You can do virtually whatever you want!
I should add that despite still living with my parents, I’m very much an adult and they give me plenty of liberty to do as I want. Since, you know, I’m an adult (for the most part).
That’s the theory, anyway.
Excitement quickly faded when reality kicked in. Since there was nobody there to “check on me”, all the ‘structure’ I had collapsed like a shaky card house.
Things were still fairly normal on Thursday. It was the day my parents left, so had sort of a “fixed” start. It was also my “workout day” and the day I’d visit a family members. So that day was pretty defined, and I more or less kept with the program. I had “real” breakfast, some sort of lunch… and had places to go.
None of that was true for Friday. All appearances of me being a responsible adult where thrown out of the window. I had chips for breakfast with “sandwiches”, then had some sort of snack for lunch…
I ate like crap for the next three days. But this isn’t just a rant about my bad eating habits.
There was also no structure. I couldn’t plan my day if I wanted to. Before, I had a lot of ideas of things I could do during the time off and I did none of them. All I did was play Xbox, watch Netflix and Amazon Prime and do a whole lot of nothing.
It felt like part of me just wanted to kill time until the three days were over. As if it wasn’t really as fun as I thought it would be.
And perhaps it wasn’t. I don’t know how to explain it, but complete liberty to me seems to have a negative effect on actually enjoying the “fun” things I am doing. What also came into play was that I started to feel pretty alone even on day two. In an attempt to surpress that feeling – because what was I going to do, call the friends I don’t have – I kept doing those “time killing” things.
As a result the past three days are pretty much a blur. I more or less remember what happened but if you’d ask me into detail? Not much of a chance of recollecting anything.
I think this supports the idea I’ve always had about myself. While I don’t need to be around people to have fun, I struggle greatly when I’m completely alone, if that makes sense. Walking downstairs after a game session and seeing nobody is there and knowing that nobody will show up just messes with my mood big time.
It makes me worry for my future (mental health), because I don’t want to end up in an institution and having room mates seems troublesome. But living completely on my own doesn’t seem to be the answer either. It’s another one of those “All answers are wrong, and you are screwed either way” scenarios.
How about you? How do you deal with being on your own? Do you ever get lonely? Let me know in the comments.